Tomorrow
by Ichigo No Ki
Summary: Renji and Byakuya have been together for a long time yet Byakuya has not once said 'I love you'and Renji can't help but wonder where their relationship is going. yaoi.ONESHOT.Sequel posted.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: surprisingly enough, Bleach isn't mine.**

**warnings- contains yaoi, and a lot of swearing so if any of that offends you then this fic isn't for you and don't flame me for it.**

**Dedicated to Mimi because I took down the other one, plus I miss you :( so read and enjoy and hopefully you'll like it better then the other one...hopefully.**

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Tomorrow**

Dear Byakuya…..or should I still call you that? It's not exactly _formal_ is it? Maybe I should just stick to calling you Kuchiki-Taichou. After all, I am beneath you, you are my superior and I should address you as so. To do otherwise would simply be inappropriate….

But then I guess that's all I really am anyway right? Inappropriate. It is inappropriate for a vice-captain to be having sexual relations with his captain. A captain/vice-captain relationship should revolve strictly around work and should not surpass a platonic relationship. You know what? That's a load of bollocks. You might care what others think about us but frankly I don't give a shit. It's no one's business but mine who I'm fucking and so everyone out can keep their high, mighty, superior noses out of our relationship because it's got nothing to do with them. It's about me and you -no one else.

Yet I don't think you quite grasp that concept. I mean, no one knows we're together; you don't want them to know- 'cause it would be going against the rules and Mr. High and mighty 'I was born in the Kuchiki clan' would never lower himself to being a common rule-breaker- not again. You almost let your little sister get fucking executed for the sake of keeping to the rules! You wouldn't break another one. And so I'll remain your dirty little secret and I honestly couldn't care less whether other people know or not, like I said, it's got nothing to do with them. But you know, it's still 'breaking the rules' whether they know or not, so I don't know who you're trying to fool. You forget I know you, I know you know it doesn't make any sense and I know it's not the 'rules' holding us back; It's your own issues. And that's the thing which really bugs me.

I don't care if you have issues – everyone does. It's just that they're blocking us, preventing our relationship from going anywhere. How long have we been together for? A year? Less? More? I don't really know. We never had a proper start- there were no tear-filled, overdramatic confessions because that's just not how we're wired. It just kind of….happened. Mutual, I guess. We've never been an overly romantic couple-like I said we're just not wired that way. But despite that we've never simply been fuck-buddies, it's never been a sex-only thing or just a casual fling to fill up our days- it's a proper relationship. We talk, we kiss, we make love and we know each other inside out like most couples who have been together as long as we have, just with a little less of the lovey-dovey, fuzzy, fluffy crap. Anyway, the point is that the feelings are still there. Despite the cold and the secrecy – I know I love you. A cliché- but a still it's true – I feel it.

I feel it when I kiss you, I feel it when I'm near you and I feel it when I'm not. I can feel it every second of every hour of every day. That's how I know I love you but you see what I don't know is whether you feel the same. In all this time we've been together, I've never heard you say 'I love you'. And you know, I can live with your obsession with rules, I can live with your superiority complex and I can live with no one knowing about but I just can't live not knowing whether you love me or not. And I want so much to just ask you about your feelings, to know where I stand but I know that if I did that I wouldn't get an answer. You've never been one with words; you'd never tell me straight out so there's no point in trying no matter how much I want to.

I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the shed but that doesn't mean I don't pick up on things. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Do you really believe me to be that stupid? God, it's not supposed to be this way! It's not supposed to ache like this! It's just not meant to. Nobody has ever hurt me the way you have, nobody has ever made me feel this bad about myself and nobody has ever made me cry the way I'm crying for you. God, I hate this! I fucking hate this! I'm acting like a hormonal woman and it's your fault. This isn't _me_ – I don't cry! I don't do this! So how come you're making me? I don't understand! Why won't you just say it?

I've dedicated so many sleepless nights purely to try and figure it out and I've come up with a few solutions- none of which ever feel right. I wonder what is it exactly, that holds you back? Your family honour? The scandal our relationship would cause if we were found out? I suppose that would make sense. Maybe it makes you feel better if you look at our relationship as casual thing – it's not a real relationship; you can walk away from it anytime you want. But if you say you love me, it makes it real. You'd be committed and if there's any sign at all of being discovered-you'd be stuck. Chained to me forced to suffer through the indignity of it all.

Or maybe you're just ashamed of me. Abarai Renji- Kuchiki-Taichou's sinful gay lover. Maybe you don't want to love your sin, I disgust you. And so you don't say the words out loud because that would mean admitting it to yourself and you can't stand the thought of being in love with another man, especially street-trash like me.

Or it could just be you. You and the issues I'll never know about. Maybe it's something to do with Hisana. Maybe you just feel guilty about loving someone after her death. And that's perfectly understandable. When I got into this thing with you, I accepted that I'll never take her place-God, I wouldn't even _try._ But if that's the reason, then why can't you just tell me? Why can't you just talk to me? But, no, I don't think this is the case because after endless hours spent deliberating it, only one conclusion makes any sense to me. The reason you've never told me you love me, is simply that you don't. So why did you bother dragging this out? Why did you let it get this far? I feel like I've been taken for a ride and I don't like it.

You don't love me like I love you and it's this that got me into this state. I'm not acting like myself. If I was, I would have walked away a long time ago. But I didn't. I fell in love with you and you turned me into this hysterical, snivelling little mess that depends on you to live and I hate you for it.

I've never felt as unloved as I do when I'm with you and that causes me more pain than I ever thought I could feel because you're the only person I've ever loved….so how come you're the only one that's ever hurt me? But still, I love you and I tell you that every single friggin' day! And I just keep waiting, waiting, waiting for the day you say it back to me. And every night when I'm laying in your bed, we kiss and you say goodnight whilst you settle down in my arms, and I can't stop myself from saying "I Love you" then I wait with baited breath, hoping to hear those three words whispered back to me. But they never come, and I doubt they ever will.

Every time I hear that silence, my chest constricts as my heart sinks and I try as hard as I can not to die. Because that's exactly what it feels like – like I'm dying and you could save me. Just three simple words and you could easily pull me out of the black hole you pushed me into but you won't; you're too held back by some unknown reason you'll never talk to me about. Yet, I believed you loved me foolishly. But then I guess I've always been a fool- always rushing in without thinking.

And so being the fool that I am, I stay with you and I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the day you save me but I know, somewhere in the dusty corners of my mind, I know that it won't happen. And I've got to tell you, the voice that hides somewhere in the dust is getting stronger and stronger, and it's making me stronger and stronger with each and every tomorrow that passes me by. And even though it kills me to even think this, I've made my decision. It's over, Byakuya, I'm leaving you. I can't keep living for tomorrows, I've got to move on with my life. It'd be better for both of us if I left. I love you so fucking much but I know you could never love me back, so this is my goodbye.

I never wanted to do this through a letter. In my opinion, it's just plain cowardly. I've always believed in the direct approach. Except I know I could never do this to your face. You've never been good at the serious discussions- not when their about us and especially not when it's about _feeling, _so I figured this letter would be easier for you to deal with. Then you won't have to feel uncomfortable whilst I poured my heart out to you because I know you wouldn't like that. You know, I'm wondering, if you could see me now, as I'm writing this, crying over you, would you care? Or would you just turn away and tell me to compose myself? I personally think the latter's more likely.

I'm so sick of waiting for you Byakuya, I can't believe I waited so long….But I've learnt my lesson. I know now that the words aren't coming not tomorrow or the tomorrow after that, or the tomorrow after that….So I'm walking away, I'll stop boring you with my emotions now. I'm getting out of the ruins, I've stopped waiting. I just hope one day, you'll get over yourself enough to find someone else to love, as much as you've destroyed me I still can't bear to see you in pain.

I guess this is it then, the last goodbye, one more heartbreak to get over. This is killing me; I don't know maybe it's killing you too. But I'll get over it, after all, I've got a whole life ahead of me and maybe tomorrow, things will start to look a little clearer.

I hope you understand why I've told you this and I'm sorry you couldn't be the one…..I really thought you were…

Respectfully yours,

Renji.

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I didn't mean for him to have it yet. I was going to leave it by his bed, where he could've been alone but I guess it wasn't meant to happen that way. I'd left it on my desk – he said he wouldn't be back for another two hours at least. But no, here he is sitting in front of me, the open letter in his hands. He turns to look at me, eyes probing deeply into my own. 

"Renji…what…what does this mean?" he asked me a stutter in his voice. His uncertainty threw me off a second and I fought with myself as I desperately tried to stop myself walking over and enveloping him in my arms. But I forced myself to stay strong, and for once it was me putting the barriers up.

"I think it's pretty clear." I told him; purposefully keeping my voice void of emotion. I took another deep breath before I spoke again.

"I'm leaving you, Byakuya."

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**A/n- **

**Just so you know there's going to be a sequel to this, I'm not leaving it at that. so yeah.**

**review...you know you want to.**

**seeyas**

**Ichigo No Kixxxxxx**


	2. Authors note

**Author's Note**

Sequel is now posted. It's called Language and it's in my profile. Read and Review Please!

Thanks, 

Ichigo No Ki

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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